From the vault

I wrote this poem a while ago (back when I was temping, back when I was dating, back when I gave a shit about my weaselly ex-boyfriend). But I didn't include it in either of my books. And I found it recently and liked it. I hope you like it, too.

Acting Like I Care

I don't act to entertain,
but I am an incredible actress.

I never forget my lines,
I'm not easily distracted
and I can make you believe
whatever I want you to.

I'm such a good actress,
I never stop acting.
I'm always acting.
I act my little heart out.
I could be acting right now
or not.
You can't tell.
That's how good I am.

I act stupid at temp jobs, so I don't have to work.
I act interested on dates, so I can make fun of them later.
I act glad to see my ex-boyfriend when I run into him in the east village after not having seen him or heard from him for eleven months even though I really want to whack his fucking black baseball cap off his ugly head
and kick his ass when he bends down to pick it up.

The award has yet to be invented that's
impressive enough to celebrate my work.
(Although I already have my speech written:
A list of people I'd like to publicly humiliate,
because it's so much more fun than giving thanks.)

I am an incredible actress.
And I can prove it.
You probably think I'm as angry as I seem.
I'm not. It's all an act.
I've fooled you.
I'm acting.
I'm not really this angry.
I'm much, much angrier.

Strange Bedfellows

If you've spent any time on Amazon.com (and I'm sure you have), you know that they have a little section on each book's page called "Best Value." There the Amazonians find a companion book to the one you're currently browsing and offer an extra 5% off "Amazon.com's everyday low price" if you buy the two together. You'd think that the Amazonians would pair my two books together, that it would make sense to their little Amazonian brains that if someone is going to buy one of my books, he or she might naturally be interested in buying the other. And be particularly interested if he or she could save 5% by doing so. But, no. Those Amazonians work in mysterious ways. The book that they've chosen to accompany my second book, HOW TO STAY BITTER THROUGH THE HAPPIEST TIMES OF YOUR LIFE, the one that they've decided would appeal to my readers, the title that popped into their heads? THE SEVENTH GARFIELD TREASURY! GARFIELD. The cat. What? I mean, from what I know of Garfield -- not a lot to be sure -- he is bitter. So there's that. But only that. Also, the book the Amazonians paired with HOW TO HEAL THE HURT BY HATING? Dave Barry Does Japan. Another winner. Garfield, Dave Barry and Anita Liberty. Three tastes that taste...really bad together.